the red rose;
mello
sweet sixteen
romantic dreamer
bipolar
cynical
an oxymoron
loves witty people
song pusher and addict
in a nutshell, nothing but sarcasm and a little glitter


layout and photo: ally

Thursday, June 30

fate makes such fools out of us.

the reason i'm online about 10 hours before my math paper [for which i'm screwed, by the way, but to hell with it]? chris called. and, ironically, i was in the bathroom doing my legs. ironical because she was the one who introduced me to hair-removal cream. anyway. damnit. i missed her call. can you believe it? i can't. i can't. oh gosh i'm so frustrated with myself now. i could've brought the damned phone with me, couldn't i? but i didn't. oh shit, i miss her so much. and when i tried to call back i couldn't get through. :( maybe it'd be better if i didn't have caller id. after all, isn't ignorance bliss? i could be sleeping peacefully right now. :( nevermind. fate will be.

hmm econs = blanking out. history = history. read: i am dead. i wrote a one-sided argument [worth about 1 digit out of 25 marks] for one essay, and made up facts and countries for both. worse, i think i know why. because i only started last night. and slept past midnight, only to find myself awake 3 times in the middle of the night. ever had that experience, where you suddenly realise you're actually awake? you don't open your eyes. they're already open. then you turn over, check your phone and swear at the world. so yeah. therefore the disorientation that led to my strange history experience. this is just an excuse. oh -math. went to serene centre to mug math after history. saw loads of st marg's girls as usual. they're getting so tiny. anyway. had about 2 panic attacks hahaha i think i freaked candy and yinghong out. because my math sucks, i was worrying about being irrational in my previous papers and basically i'm just bad at math. yes. i'm banking on lit. oh God please let me pass lit.

i heard a whiter shade of pale on the radio this afternoon!! =D hee. i was like hmm the harmony is very familar.. it sounds like a whiter shade of pale.. did david lanz steal that tune or was the it other way around? then i listened closely to the words and realised someone was singing something about a whiter shade of pale. oh well. hahaha.

i cannot stop myself from smiling for no rhyme or reason whenever i catch her eye. seriously i should box my own face. i mean, she's not even hot anymore, what am i smiling at? but when our gazes meet i am suddenly compelled to smile. does that explain my sometimes rather odd expression? the one where i look like i'm in pain cos i'm trying not to laugh/smile.

siti called this morning after my paper cos i was whining to her about my stupidity. jean called too. hahaha sorry i really am very stupid. anyway we've discussed some things and yeah i'll be going for guides tmr in order to fulfil a couple of things. plus i miss everyone!! stupid sam isn't going. heh. oh no i don't think i can remember a lot of the things we thought of during the camp. shucks.

in the course of a lifetime, what would this matter? and what am i to you, little, much or - nothing?

hey, remember.. chris eats everything. are you everything to her? hahahahah okay random thought.
it must've been love.
10:39 pm

xoxo

Tuesday, June 28

ask me not why i am online. but i will answer anyway =D erhh. taking a break. yes. very tired. from about one hour of poring over the newspaper! it always gets slightly more fascinating during examtimes.

i finished reading through the last booklet of econs. and i was feeling so damned good about myself when i decided to try the tys. instant deflation. nonetheless, i resolve [why do my resolutions end up getting ignored by yours truly?] to finish all the mcq questions up to monopoly! yes that is erhh 7 units worth of econs. *smiles bravely* where there's a will, there's a way. and i feel so bad for ms how, she's such a fantastic teacher, she really doesn't deserve students like me.. so yes i must try try try to pass econs. more scared for the essay section though. i always blank out and think: huh? what ar? what mr? what's the bloody graph? what are the factors of production? ahh die. yeah.

second resolution! i will study half [yes, half] of history by tonight! i must must must start history! the paper is on thurs! can you imagine if i did pcme like janet? i would roll over and die because the schedule's so tight. at least with my combination even though i don't get a 3 day holiday like her [excluding the weekend, mind you!], i can study for the exam a day beforehand. phew. God is gracious.

my very structured plan for tomorrow: cram econs like mad before the paper. stay in school and study hist until ally calls. study more history. memorise math formulae. tadah. studying with my sister is very conducive because she's very focused. although we spent about 10 minutes staring at this girl/guy and discussing whether she/he was a girl/guy. think about this: a boy's haircut [and i mean boy, as in typical nerd guy not bung or whatever], a boy's face [and i mean typical ugly boring guy's face], a short black skirt and high socks. interesting huh. we gawked from the safe corner of our table for quite some time. by the time it occured to me to check for an adam's apple, he/she had gone.

my sister's friend turned up. i got quite a shock when this guy happily walked over and sat down next to her. later when he came back, she asked if we look alike. he said, 'yeah, can tell you're sisters.. but she looks very fierce.' hahahaha she glanced at me and replied, 'she can hear you, you know' just as i glanced up at him and pulled the earphones from my ears. haha. surprisingly, he's the first articulate guy i've met in a long long time. seriously, can speak english and is relatively witty. the sort of person you do not find in hwachong.

i am convinced that i am going to end up with someone who can speak english. yes, it is very romantic to dream of wordless conversations peppered with meaningful glances between yourself and a tall, dark and handsome other from across the world, but hey i'm the sort of girl who falls flat on her face for a witty charmer. and as i do not understand dialects / strangely clobbered together bits of singlish / other languages [chinese is *cough cough*, spanish forgotten, and i can only say 'sayah tektahu' in malay..], i guess i have very few options huh. but jean brought up a good point. what if he speaks english, is witty and humorous, but weird? she still has not defined weird for me.

do you ever wonder, if everything you ever dreamed of is never going to come true? because, well, dreams are for the dreaming and then the breaking. surprises are nice, but mostly life brings a slap in the face for dreamers. a part of me still believes in fairytales. another, more cynical part scoffs. and yet another.. watches these other parts and laughs to herself. it gets a bit confusing in my brain.

every day is another day over. and everyday i go through the motions of living - waking up, washing and getting ready for school, going through the motions of studying / doing the papers.. and i wonder. is this life? is this it? just routines and clockwork mechanisms. then i think about the little things.. sweet messages, laughing on the phone, and the look on your face when you're happy.. and i realise, maybe, this is it.
it must've been love.
5:51 pm

xoxo

Monday, June 27

i survived gp. barely. this here utterly brainless twat chose, as usual, a hard question. WHY GOD WHY?? i mean, how does a rational human being go about answering: discuss [or was it define? shit] the role of traditional beliefs in modern society. ahh. i always end up writing about modern society because i disapprove of it. like, hello technology, goodbye true affection. and i am such a hypocrite, i am typing out my disapproval. i should be shot. maybe i'll regress back to scratching random messages on stones with a stick. hang on, that's scientifically impossible. ah to hell with rational thinking. more like: hello obsession with quaint songs, goodbye sanity.

i just realised something. ever read rilla of ingleside? well you should. i cried [although i refused to admit it years ago] when walter died because he was so hot. he was tall, dark and handsome, sensitive without being sissy, a poet and everything i ever wanted in a guy. which is not a lot, really. just give me walter! pity about the name. hmm. anyway. i realised i use a lot of italics. hahhaha. sorry was that too random? because rilla's teacher scoffed and said something like ' i suppose i spoke in italics too when i was seventeen' yeah anyway i was wondering if italics come naturally with sweet seventeen. food for thought.

anyway, back to gp. sorry i digress a lot. more food for thought. this is why i am not good at gp i am a very random person. so. i was minding my own business at the bus stop after the papers.. when who should come walking towards me but a person with a 2cm long pony tail! and the said person pointed to the space beside me and said, 'let's sit over there' and i died. all right, gross exaggeration. i quickly turned my face and did my oh-shit-do-i-die-here? expression much to sumin's and huiying's amusement [ah shutup] and tried not to breathe too conspicuously. i did not ask for her to sit next to me. and all of a sudden, i lost whatever little of the ability i ever had to speak intelligently in coherent english and became very affected by a sudden bout of gigglishness. arghhhhhhhh. WHY did that have to happen to me?? i do not like her. anymore. cos frankly eyecandy stops being eyecandy when the aforementioned eyecandy stops being eyecandy. go figure. brain is still in incoherent mode. then she got on our bus. fine, i knew she would. shutup. my ultimate fantasy. -sigh- and it's all wasted because she doesn't look half as good anymore and sigh why why why okay fine i know why this is the sign i need.

i am going to be a nun.

no i'm kidding. parents have forbidden me to do that. i shall... become... vaguely unattracted to girls like her and vaguely attracted to.. myself? polar opposites. i'm starting to believe people like me are not fated to ever taste the sweetness of romance. if you dare to deny this fact, bring me a walter. check the above for requirements. betcha i won't fit his. yes i am being difficult on purpose. as sad and pathetic and lonely as my life gets sometimes, i will not give in. we've got a bet going, my dears. i will not lose it. sorry, 2 bets. i will lose neither. so. i will be the last out of the [erh. 8?] of us to get a bf.

none of you thought to mention gf. hahaha sorry not funny i shall shut up now.

ooh. just to make myself feel better: i finished reading the last booklet. like 15 mins ago. and realised i forgot all the previous stuff. arghh!! i shall read through it. again! maybe do tys if i have time. anddd i did a few questions of math! hooray for me!

janet: my chinese tutor saw the pictures on my wall/desk/all over my room. she said you're pretty!! and i said you're pretty and smart and she said heaven is normally not so unfair. i agree. heh. and she was totally wowed by zhimin's beauty. why am i not surprised? think she was kinda shocked to actually see me smiling and looking so happy in those pictures. i pored over them again just now.. and i'm trying to remember what it's like to be wild and exhuberant and well -smile at the damned camera cos i want to, and not cos you're forcing me to.
it must've been love.
11:10 pm

xoxo

Sunday, June 26

i thought of something just now. but i've since forgotten it. oh yes.

i am officially panicking for the block tests, which start.. drum roll please.. tomorrow.

here is the list of things i have done:
1. read through econs up to the third booklet.
2. first 2 chaps of math
3. 1 lecture of sea
4. acted smart during the lit lesson [i am trying to put down something under lit]
5. had chinese tuition regularly

and here is the list of things i have to do:
1. by tomorrow: grow a brain for gp.
2. by wed: read the last booklet of econs, flip through the tys, realise i don't know anything, and start all over again.
3. by thurs: the rest of south east asian history, which is technically about 15+ lectures?
4. by fri: the rest of math, which is about 6 big scary chapters
5. by next tues: the entire whateveryoucallit of international history, which i have not touched for one month.
6. by next wed: finish reading frankie for the exam.
7. by an unspecified date, get my portfolio in order and send it off.

i am rather dead, huh. i don't know why i didn't start studying earlier. oh bullshit i do know. i was too busy with other -ahem- stuff. as usual. last minute crammer. only this time there really is a lot of stuff to cram, and hearing people talk about hwachong papers, this little part of my heart sinks and i just know there isn't any point in studying because i will fail anyway. and i just feel so alone. because none of you can understand what i'm going through, right here, right now. we're all taking different combinations now. i can't ask for help except in math, and even then things are so different in different schools. sure, siti does arts too, but she doesn't take math! and we do different hist and lit papers etc.

if i'm so dead, why am i still online? i don't know either. cos i like the sound of tapping keys and the comfort of talking to friends.

when was the last time you prayed? as in, really prayed. not thank-you-God-for-food-amen. really got down on your knees and bowed in surrender to God and His will. i realise i haven't been doing that since i left st. marg's. somehow it's easy to pray there. where praying is accepted and well- needed. i think back to our ritual of praying before every paper and how good it made me feel, knowing God was in control. there's something in linking hands and praying together. but here- and now. i can't imagine me doing that with anyone. it's just too - unsecular. but i know i'm going to need prayer now, more than ever before.. and i'm going to have to make that happen for myself and not depend on other Christians for support.. because you're simply not there anymore. physically absent. it makes a difference, you know. it does.

jan: i know you've got phys tomorrow so you probably won't be reading this.. but maybe it'd be nice if we prayed together tmr before gp.. like we used to.. it would really help.
it must've been love.
8:06 pm

xoxo

Saturday, June 25

my father reformatted my computer and now i can't play my songs. i am dying. =( my songs!!! alas, woe is me, alack. i managed to complete ap/gp today, which if you recall correctly [ i am sure you don't, but that does not matter] i was supposed to have done yesterday. but things have this way of cropping up. and i, have this way of succumbing to extreme emotion, thereby causing relatively large amounts of panic [on my part] which in turn results in almost no work done. heh. work done. physics, anyone?

i just realised - janet will end her exams on friday, damn her combination. and she will get 2 days off school!!!! janet, i declare war on you.

just been scolded by bev for writing =( not that i understand why i do it either. i just -do. especially when i'm sad. not to kill time. to - how do i say this - kill time? hahaha i really don't know. how about.. it just bursts out of me.. onto paper.. and then i'm obliged to attend to it? and if i fail.. i can't help it.. if i keep everything inside, i might get sick and die. emotionally. mentally. ah shut up already.

i am talking to my favourite twat. =D joan is my favourite twat because she's such a nice funny teasable bullyable twat. and since she is forever losing both my links and the password, i shall take the liberty of saying this =D joankang, i do not miss you at all. i do not miss you singing wu ding [which i never understood] behind my ear, i do not miss you poking me constantly with your long ruler, and i do not miss you whining behind me. i do not miss the mess on your table [a large part of it due to your head on the table], i do not miss you dragging me around the school and most of all i do not miss your frantic waving. i never wish that you were in my school, in my class, and i always forget your role in the happening back row family. do you actually believe me when i say i don't miss you? guess what, i will never say i miss you =D hahahha

what if i said i'm lazy to make friends? i'd rather stick to established friendships. i get no thrill from trying too hard. i prefer friendships that come naturally, prefer being with people whom i am instinctively comfortable with. and is it wrong?
it must've been love.
9:04 pm

xoxo

Friday, June 24

just got back from jean's sister's apartment. i believe i'll get a studio apartment when i grow up and move out of my parents' house. it's small enough to keep clean, and quite cosy =D. and yay i didn't have the opportunity to mull over things alone and get all crabby, thanks to jean inviting me over. =D thank you deeply =D i managed to redo my entire inequalities tutorial, and have concluded that i am bad at inequalities. last year, when i was still doing triple science and lit simultaneously, i took some test that said i use both sides of my brain equally. now, having entered the arts faculty, recent results have shown that i'm now a right-brain-er. this is discouraging. but nevertheless i aim to pass maths =D whether i do or not is another matter. the seniors can be so encouraging sometimes. apparently one of them said there's no point in studying for maths in hwachong, since you'll fail anyway.

i've come up with a [vague] study plan! applause, please! i am so organised =D -head swells and floats away- anyway:

tonight: ap/gp/summation + write 'moths' --> will not write anything substantial before completing maths. -repeats about a hundred times, hopefully to some avail-
tomorrow: chinese [tuition. it's counted!!] + more math. mi, i think, and binomial + start studying sea --> don't let me talk to you if i'm online!! just tell me to shut up.
sunday: study the last booklet of econs + whatever econs tys i can do + freak out very badly for gp and econs and sea and math [see i am so organised, i even provide time for freaking out since i know well enough that there is no cure for my overreactive imagination]
monday: freak out, do gp paper, go for econs consultation, smile and freak out inside my head while everyone around me reveals superior knowledge and understanding of a concept i didn't know existed.. oh and study sea while i'm at it. and math. maybe partial fractions and graphs?
tues: econs. econs. econs. pray very very hard because i am very bad at econs. and some sea when i start puking econs in solid pieces. and graphs when i start wanting to drown myself.
wed: econs papers. and sea. wait. then there's no time for math. oh no. okay alternate between trigo [which i'm bad at] and sea. there, i can use both sides of my brain -nervous smile-
thurs: sea paper. and mug maths. do i have a choice??
weekend: int history! nothing but int history! i will read nothing but cold-war related books /notes / whatever life throws at me! because if i fail int history mdm tay will tell my mother! again! damnit this goes for every single subject, damn my chromosones! i am typing like the idiotic guy who wrote a ridiculous autobiography that i made fun of at cap! i will stop this immediately! done. sometimes i drive myself crazy. i pity you, innocent reader.
mon: int history
tues: finish reading frankie, to hell with chinese
wed: burst into tears at 11:15 am, thank God that the blocks are over and [hopefully] remember to stay in school for the chinese paper.

-breathes- i'm gonna do all that? can't rmb how hard i worked for o's now. it seems a very distant and rather fond memory, peppered with girlish laughter and lots of pigging out. the only thing i remember is studying for bio in the classroom one day.. i was studying the bit on malaria.. and wondering what the hell love is. chris - remember that day? your jaw is capable of dropping rather far. what will i remember this time? probably the treetops apartment =D

sometimes i'm not sure if i'm dumb, dense, or just foolish. an old lady came up to me just now while i was at the bus stop, and asked if i had a dollar. silly me, i reached into my bag and pulling out my wallet, handed her a one dollar coin. and she, without blinking, took it and walked away. i was left standing there wondering what the hell had just happened - had i just given money away? to an able-bodied albeit slightly ragged-clothed person? and she didn't even ask me nicely! what is wrong with me? maybe my brain was a little tired from all that math. heh.

i will be strong and i will study very very hard, starting 9:00. do not entertain my nonsense if i succumb to boredom. i hope i won't fail lit even though i'm not studying for it. honestly, econs took so much time! and math - alas, i am not a logical person. but i shall practice! -refrains from comparing self to sister who takes math 's'- and history.. i am speechless.

van - i hope you can come down for speech day, cos it just won't be the same for me without you there. you're one of those who really made a difference to my life [and indirectly, my studies] and i was just hoping you'd be there.. when we all finally get to wear the robes. you deserve to, too. if only your competition were to end earlier.. i think i'll try to get out of class early.. tell my teacher i have to go for speech day, but conveniently neglect to mention the time.. but if i do go down to support you, i'll definitely change out of my uniform because hwachong doesn't even have a rhym gym team. take care, girl. don't dance your spirit out of your body. i love you, more than i'll ever be able to tell you. :) thanks for everything.
it must've been love.
7:55 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, June 22

i am so bloody bored i can't decide whether to tear my hair out or bang my head against the bloody [sorry, soon to be bloodied] wall. -screams and runs around-

gosh i wish i would scream and run around, at least i'd lose some weight. my econs is in front of me, as it has been all day. now i know my mugger-ish hwachongmates have been studying very hard yadda yadda oh go get a life, and get off mine. i am not feeling charitable towards those unlike me.

oh, there is a price to pay for every mistake, but it's only a mistake if you think of it that way. you could, alternatively, learn from whatever isn't accepted as 'right' by our very straightlaced society and walk an alternative path that still leads you to where you want to go. in my case, i have no idea where i want to go, but i'll keep walking down life's road til i come to another fork.

i've been taking stock of my life, and i realise that its value has gone down very steeply indeed. firstly. i'm stuck in a cheena school even though i realised the gravity of that mistake very promptly. thanks to society ie my parents i am now 1/4 way through hell.

secondly. gosh the people in hwachong really suck. c'mon don't bullshit to me about the warmth of the atmosphere. it couldn't be colder if you put me in alaska, or have i been utterly spoilt by my perfect ex-class? muggers. -swears and scowls- and backstabbers too, apparently. hiyah going to school is a bullshitty waste of my time.

thirdly. you, my dearest, dearest, much beloved friends are not there. and how, may i know, am i supposed to live without you? hmm?? you're all together in sa, and i can't be there and you're all happy happy. janet's in cheenaland too, but she likes it. plus i won't say she's entirely alone. to the sa people, ie jean, van, joan etc: we've gone out a few times now.. and i've noticed something.. you're so at home there, it's so natural, it's almost ['tho not quite] st marg's.. and i'm so jealous because you are all together.. same combination, same faculty, same group of friends.. and now you've got other friends.. and everything is so natural.. not superficial and stilted and calculated.. it's so spontaneous.. and suddenly i miss the way i used to fling myself on your beds and roll about.. miss the way we'd hold hands or link arms.. lie on each other in the library.. everything, everything, everything.

and this is weird, but i miss you most when you're with your new friends and i'm there too. because it suddenly becomes awkward, and all of a sudden i'm just another shit-coloured hwachong girl who fades into the background and i bet they're wondering why we're even friends, i shut up when they're around. they probably think i'm some dimwitted mute or something.. everyone's just so full of life.. and i miss the happening backrow.. i really really do miss going nuts. without really caring what people thought, cos no one bitched and it was just so natural, so spontaneous and now it will never be this way for me again.

i look at you, all happy, and i just want to cut my head off or something. all of you are together but i am now alone and can you understand why i freak out at night when i sit in front of my computer with nothing but music playing and memories in my head? i can't wait to go to the u. get away from here. i would give my right arm, my writing arm, my stronger piano arm just to have one of the happening backrow family members or chris or bev or vank or one of the ex-PLs or someone here with me. not just in my school - look how useful that is, i hardly see jan. not just in my faculty, that's as good as nothing. but in my class. same combination. at least then.. i'd have a little piece of heaven.

and now my eyes will be puffy tmr and my piano teacher will ask what's wrong with me. heh.

as we go on, we remember all the times we had together. and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever... will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round, will these memories fade as we leave this town?

who needs romance, when friendship is hard enough?
it must've been love.
8:39 pm

xoxo

I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where to find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream

And I know just where to touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose
And I know the night is fading
And I know the time's gonna fly
And I'm never gonna tell you
Everything I gotta tell you
But I know I gotta give it a try

And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to fame
I know all the rules
And I know how to break 'em
And I always know the name of the game

But I don't know how to leave you
And I'll never let you fall
And I don't know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all

Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all,
Making love out of nothing at all

Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun
Are streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes
Like a spotlight

The beating of my heart is a drum and it's lost
And it's looking for a rhythm like you
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright

I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well it's nothing till I give it to you

I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
I can make all the stadiums rock
I can make tonight forever
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn
I can make every promise that has ever been made
I can make all your demons be gone

But I'm never gonna make it without you
Do you really want to see me crawl
And I'm never gonna make it like you do
Making love out of nothing at all

Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all
Out of nothing at all.

it must've been love.
11:20 am

xoxo

Monday, June 20

today was an extremely odd day. for starters, i studied. well, i did my econs tys mcq on the elasticity unit, anyway, and a bit of math that depressed me.. and went to school for lit, so really i should feel very fulfilled indeed. ate timtams. oh gosh, sinful indulgence epitomised.

what will tomorrow bring? guess that's the question i ask nowadays, more so than what did today bring? well if we think about the good things that happened each day.. i didn't take my afternoon nap but i'm still up and running =D i'm going to try to forget the bad stuff, cos i guess they don't matter in the end.. do they?
it must've been love.
10:01 pm

xoxo

Sunday, June 19

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs.Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are.You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life.You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily.But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes.For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present.You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler'>http://www.blogthings.com/travelersoul.html">Traveler Soul and Prophet'>http://www.blogthings.com/prophetsoul.html">Prophet Soul

it must've been love.
7:56 pm

xoxo



mmm. spent last night and the last hour or so trying to decide which poems to put in my portfolio. came down to 17 from my poetry blog. i've decided not to use any old ones, in accordance with the rules =P and anyway i cringe reading my old stuff.. well now i'm in a real fix. personally i've got 9 that i think are meaningful to me, cos hell, i know why i wrote them, a lot of secrecy, yay i love telling my life story in riddles. but there were a few others that my critics liked. a lot. i gathered a larger pool of critics this time, more to come =D opinions are always good. right now i'm wondering if i should put the poems that matter to me in the portfolio.. or the stuff that others like. i mean, i always write for myself. but sometimes after writing it out of myself, i just stop feeling that way.. which is the idea, i think. so, crowd-pleasers.. or a genuine peek into my current state of mind? i really want this mentorship so i won't feel like i wasted my time, plus i guess it's somehow important to me? like i'm already such a useless fat ugly pieceofshit, if i try for this [and now i'm publicly trying hur hur unlike previously when i deviously handed in my form] and don't get it, then i'll just feel stupid on top of being useless fat and ugly. so, opinions please! crowd-pleasers or not? i don't hate all the crowd-pleasers.. =P or if you need to see the poetry to decide, then i guess i'll be staying online for awhile. or check my poetry blog and then email me =D thank you deeply! =D
it must've been love.
3:22 pm

xoxo

Friday, June 17

i'm scared. i'm turning into one of those disgusting creatures from outerspace. or rather, the rat race next door. and talking to my sister always depresses me. she's really got everything now - lost even more weight, is looking fantastic, straight a's, 4 digits in the bank, talking about going overseas while i rot in bloody humid and boring singapore. and telling me to have more self control. i've just eaten half a bottle of fried cashew nuts and done nothing all day but read and listen to music on the com. with exams days away. she was on the treadmill while i was bingeing. then of course, the money matters. i've got like 10% of what she's got, because i tend to buy whatever i think is pretty, and eat out a lot.

i want to sink into a hole and just die. die. die. damn the grades. damn the weight. damn money. damn everything. i can't seem to do anything right.

i miss everyone. i hate sitting at home by myself wallowing in self hatred and self pity. at least when i'm outside, wearing contacts and something other than worn out shirt and shorts, i can force myself to act normal, smile and get on with life. shut up in my room all day with the blinds down and music blaring, i let myself fall apart. i miss chris. i miss studying with her, if that could be called studying. bingeing is no fun when you're alone. it's just damnit guilt-inducing.

the clock goes, tick tick tick. my fingernails are blue with cold. when did i stop caring enough to buff my nails?
it must've been love.
5:12 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, June 15

there is a fundamental difference between who i am, and who i want to be. basically, i want to be my sister. i was trying out a new song on the piano.. a whiter shade of pale.. when she came down the stairs and offered to play it once through for me.. after which i played it through myself. and i realised afresh why she's the science genius and i'm the pieceofshit in arts. no offence to my hwachong classmates. i'm just the pieceofshit in arts. yes. anyway. she plays very carefully, like how she does her work and lives life. note for note, the tempo just so, never a beat out of line. meticulous. detailed. and i, play the way i live my life and do my work. very randomly. hell, i don't play all the notes. and not just because my fingers are too darned short. i just don't like following things to the letter. i need a little flexiblity, a little freedom, i need to dance to my own tune. even when someone else wrote the score. she plays every trill exactly as it was written; i incorporate whatever i feel like doing. half the time my brain's slower than my fingers, so i just act like it was in the score. it only works if i play before and not after her. and she is the successful one. 2 's' papers. omg if i can get 1 i'd die of happiness. 4 a's for promos. i bet i can't even get one for blocks. she's the one with the determination to lose weight while i bum around eating ben and jerry's. plus i can never get myself to study even with the book in front of me. i just stare at the same page for 2 hours, daydreaming about the might-have-beens and might-bes. i think it drives my parents insane. they know she'll bring home the results, but i'm the sort of daughter they'd catch painting her toenails with her notes in front of her, the day before the exam. i want to be like her. be her. careful. conscientious. everything my report book never said i was. why does it take so little to trigger off my endless inferiority complex?
it must've been love.
10:16 pm

xoxo

Tuesday, June 14

i have nothing to say today except: thank you jean and vank, i love you truckloads!!! =D

these two monkeys made today the best celebration of my birthday thus far this year. heh heh. i suspected nothing when we met in school.. even when they wanted to eat at paragon when i thought we'd be eating nearby.. but i figured that vank's knee must really be acting up so i just happily went along.. although i nearly got a panic attack when i saw ms ho [big] crossing the overhead bridge while we were at the bus stop.. but thank goodness the bus came just as she started walking towards us.. got treated at thai express =D super hot noodles, yay! =D talked a bit about philosophy and what place religion has in arguments.. then i started suspecting someting was going on..

no they aren't together or anything scandalous like that. heh. but they kept wanting me to go to the toilet.. which i thought was pretty weird except that i'd drank about 6 glasses of water.. but vank's cheeky smile.. so yeah they made me promise to do whatever they said, on the conditions that i wouldn't have to eat anything and something else i've forgotten. unfortunately i underestimated them. was blindfolded in the toilet, and they tied my hands behind my back with a piece of rafia. and then we walked around and around and around.. up stairs.. down escalators.. over grass.. too near cars for comfort.. frankly, i was most afraid of them leaving me.. so i gripped their arms between mine and my waist tight. then of course it got tiring.. and i nearly freaked out when they told me they saw my junior.. -glowers- jean effectively convinced me that we were in the annex and later on, the botanical gardens. darn i shall never believe her again. but i guessed we were in vank's condo when i smelt the carpark scent and i heard her pressing the security button. then the sound of the pool water.. and the scraping of a deck chair against the floor.. but most of all when one of them waded across the pool. never knew my other senses could be so sharp haha. then they pushed me into the small pool and i shrieked and tadah end of entire journey.

there were about 6 tea lights lit along the circular baby pool.. and my birthday cake right at the other side. heh! so this fat pig waded across the pool, wetting her jeans up to the crotch with cold pool water to retrieve her slice of chocolate mousse cake which was delicious hee. it was just so pretty! and i really am very touched that they went through so much effort to make the event special.. i mean it was after vank's training and she must've been so tired etc and we were supposed to be studying for blocks.. and all the effort, getting the blindfold and everything, the tealights etc.. jean even brought extra clothes for throwing me into the big pool but luckily for me it was gonna rain so they didn't dare to..

how do i say thank you? there simply aren't enough words to. i could write a thousand poems and still find none of them quite hit the mark. i could play a hundred songs on the piano, dedicated to you, and still find none of them quite express how i feel. would a hug suffice? i could hug you forever and forever and still find that eternity's not long enough to be friends. i hope to see you in heaven. don't forget me, because i can't forget you. i said something just now that strikes me again now. eternity in heaven is far longer than a lifespan on earth. i think i'd rather hurt and hurt and hold myself back now.. wait a hundred years at most.. and then enjoy heaven.. a heaven that can never, will never end. don't let me sin anymore. i'll be good. i'll do my work, i'll study, i won't dream, i won't angst, i won't swing the other way.
it must've been love.
9:28 pm

xoxo

Sunday, June 12

i need to clear my thoughts. so many things on my mind. i'm slowly weaning myself off certain -ahem- things. therefore the sudden craze with aromatherapy. i really don't know why i buy all the jazz about scents. but i do. which is weird cos actually i'm sensitive to certain scents. but i've always been addicted to vicks vaporub and axe oil haha. buring eucalyptus essential oils right now in the hope of 'clearing' my mind [and stuffy nose] and 'refreshing and stimulating' my sluggish self. and then all the stuff i've bought. spirit of moonflower cos it makes me feel pretty [how retarded is that, am i actually admitting this? nvm.] green tea cos it makes me feel contented, even when i'm too dehydrated to drink real tea. strawberry soap cos it's sweet. very. bergamot cos i thought it would revive me enough in the mornings to survive school. good grief. see the amount of money i waste? so anyway i'm burning eucalyptus to clear my head and nose. i think i understand where the term 'cold in the head' came from. bah.

i don't know why, but i'm addicted to shopping. the act of browsing, reading all the labels, trying things on, paying for it, and walking out with it. going home and taking everything out. even though half the time i buy things to give away. i just like buying stuff. choosing. selecting. punching in my pin number. trying on the stuff at home, or watching my sister's or a friend's face light up when i present what i've bought to her. even a small thing like buying mrs field's brownies for my mum. or those earrings i bought for my sister today. i guess i just like the act of shopping, of buying. of telling someone i had her in mind while i was out having fun. and of course i enjoy buying things for myself. esp from the body shop [ahem i guess you should know by now] or nail stuff or whatever. i just like having pretty stuff around. more than i should.

i sound like i'm crying. blast the cold. i loved eating at max brenner's today. =D sinful. what is it about forbidden fruit? i tried telling myself that eating less is a sin.. exercising is a sin.. all of us should be fat and happy.. unfortunately i convinced myself. looking at my sister, i am inspired. she eats like a bird, exercises like a horse gone mad and managed to lose weight while i piled on the kilos at camps. i hate her. no that's incorrect. i hate myself. my fat, ugly, stupid self. enough self deprecation.

my nose is not clearing. what's with this stream of consciousness? i must learn to love myself. i say this a lot. simply means it's another goal unachieved. i resolve to lose weight, start studying for blocks, and be more normal. oh and save money. i would resolve to grow, only that is unreasonable. i fully accept what i cannot change heh.

staring at the little candle angel i carved once. its wings broke off. so really it's not an angel anymore. it's nothing but a blob of wax, teetering precariously on my table. wingless. faceless. a circle set on a sector, a block of white substance growing yellow with age. i want to throw it away, but i guess i kept it for a reason. i can't remember the reason anymore. it can't have been very important. but it reminds me that even angels need wings to fly.

what is it about midnight that makes the world so silent, so still? dozens of people online, but the endless rush of cars outside my window has finally stopped. i scare myself with the cold silence of my room. thus the compulsive need for constant music. not just because i love music. but because really, i am afraid to hear myself breathe. i'm afraid of my own thoughts. i'm happier letting someone else, something else, some other medium direct my emotions and mind.

what will tomorrow bring? my nail chipped. yes that sounds unbearably bimbotic, but it really did! and i hate it because it's ugly. i hate ugliness. especially in myself. not to mention it keeps catching on random things. i should cut it off, but the breakage has affected parts beyond the nail bed.

at night
i find myself
hugging air

while you sleep
back turned to me

you don't notice me trying
to make you face me

so i'll turn
my back to you

'til you notice
that i'm
finally gone.
it must've been love.
11:42 pm

xoxo

Friday, June 10

hmm. just thought of something weird. well, thought of it during the camp just now. but i forgot all about it as usual. i've learnt to accept and even like certain songs that previously didn't appeal to me. and i wonder if it's a new development, or i've simply been oppressing some parts of me all this while. like just now some linkin park song was playing on the radio, and i rather liked it, not knowing it was linkin park. okay it didn't sound linkin park-ish. but when i did, i found myself thinking but i'm not supposed to like linkin park. and when i was thinking of cutting my hair cos my fringe was driving me nuts.. and this girl in our patrol said i look like a girl in her class, only she has short hair and looks good in it, i started thinking about cutting my hair short just to see what would happen. but i caught myself thinking, i'm not supposed to be the short-haired kind of girl. why does it even matter what i am supposed to be? people grow up, people change, we cannot be stagnant. although i tend to get a little remniscent and sad when my friends change and i don't know them anymore. am i keeping myself from changing, from growing, from moving on, simply because i like knowing that people more or less know me? my tastes, my style, my personality. what if i became bimbotic? or cheena? would my friends still love me, still accept me? what if i turned my back on fairytales and painted my nails black? would they brush me aside and forget the person they once knew? why am i afraid to be someone else? maybe there's someone else lurking deep inside me, some dark creature howling to be let out. and i've simply been oppressing her all this time.

or maybe it's just a phase huh.

will you let me grow up?
it must've been love.
8:45 pm

xoxo




i can see the pain living in your eyes
and i know how hard you try
you deserve to have so much more
i can feel your heart and i sympathise
and i'll never criticise
all you've ever meant to my life

i don't want to let you down
i don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
from where you might belong

you would never ask why
my heart is so disguised
i just can't live a lie anymore
i would rather hurt myself
than to ever make you cry
there's nothing left to say
but goodbye

you deserve a chance at the kind of love
i'm not sure i'm worthy of
losing you is painful to me

you would never ask me why
my heart is so disguised
i just can't live a lie anymore
i would rather hurt myself
than to make you cry
there's nothing left to say
but goodbye

you would never asked me why
my heart is so disguised
i just can't live a lie anymore
i would rather hurt myself
than to ever make you cry
there's nothing left to try
though it's gonna hurt us both
there's no other way
than to say
goodbye
it must've been love.
7:12 pm

xoxo



hmm camp was.. erh. boring, slow paced and a waste of time at first. sam and i caused a major scandal on the first night by bathing together. i used to think it was a very normal thing, but it turns out to be one of those st marg's quirks. no wonder they think we're a les school. hmm. then it got better. realised there's so much we need to do back in the coy, so much to tell the new pls, so much to change. it makes me feel tired.

so i cut my hair when i got home. again. =D just had it cut on monday. now my fringe is shorter, everything is shorter, i look like an utter idiot, but alas that is the fate of the ugly. and i trimmed my eyebrows too but i think i didn't do it very well with my new fringe in the way. bleaugh.

sitting in front of the computer rotting away as usual. =D blasting 'goodbye' by air supply =D someone sent it to me, i am very very very very happy =D =D =D good luck to my family.

mm. i am now sweet seventeen. never been kissed, never been stung by a bee, never skinny dipped in the dead of the night [or any other time for that matter]

wonder what this year will bring. wonder if..
it must've been love.
5:21 pm

xoxo

Saturday, June 4

cap, in my opinion, was a prestigious waste of my time. because we spent a lot of time eating and sitting around. and nus is bloody humid and the air is so still i intend to study very very hard so i can go overseas and avoid nus, thank you very much! anyway, this is how my week went, if you are bored enough to be bored further.

monday: thought i was going to be late. hah! turns out punctuality is not much valued at cap. which is good because i've become rather fashionally late with the passing years. anyway. did nothing much but sit around, eat, play some games, and attend the poetry slam workshop. couldn't sleep at night, because my room was damned hot. turned the fan on but it made no difference. plus i was missing everyone so badly i couldn't get my mind to shut up and switch off anyway. sigh. ended up sleeping in my shirt and undies, hoping no one could look through the windows into my room.

tuesday: woke up early with a poem in my head. therefore, rose petals. after which i vow, i really do vow, i will never write another poem for her again! cos, really, i feel nothing. hahahaha. okay. inside joke. mm. i noticed something during the plenary lecture that day. this girl from my workshop group, with scars on her arm. i recognised the scars. the lengths, the shapes, the positions. the anger. but i didn't mention them to anyone else. guess it takes one to know one. that night she wore shorts, and when she sat next to me i saw more marks on her knee, and deeper, redder, angrier ones on her thigh. recent ones. but i didn't want to say anything abt them with the others around. so i waited til the workshop was over, and we were moving the chairs back in. we were standing next to each other, so i spoke to her in a low tone. she said she'd stopped cutting, and i didn't question her although the scars on her thigh were too red and raw to be from long ago. then she asked when i'd cut. told her i started in p5 but stopped last year. accurate as of now. then i told her abt aloe vera gel and we smiled and went our different ways. i guess my whole point of saying this now.. is.. nothing. except to exorcise that demon within me. the demon of guilt. somehow. when i saw those marks i felt something sinking within me, the pang of familiarity, my heart twisting. she's so bloody young, you know. okay, not that young. i was younger when i did the same. and only 3 years ago i was in her position. i did the same. but seeing those marks on her.. on someone else but me.. reading her poems, knowing her raw talent, where her inspiration comes from, her pain, her beauty, i felt i ought to do something, i ought to help her. and yet. i didn't know what to say. or how to say it. i had no right. i barely knew her. why would she trust me? i'm so much older, one of the few jc people. i didn't want to seem patronising, condescending. as if to say, oh i've been there done that, what you're going through is nothing, you'll get over it. because in truth, even if we all do get over some things, the going through it is hell, and we all have different ways of coping, some right, some wrong. she looked so small, so young, so timid, hiding behind her glasses and hair. and even her smile - it wasn't one of those beams, those sunshine smiles. it was a little shy. even among her friends, she was funny but not loud. i talked to her a little after that, but we never mentioned cutting again. we talked about listening to aqualung and other songs, reading fanfics and the slash pairings, and other miscellaneous things such as our common handphone model. but i noticed that after the night i spoke to her, she wore her jacket almost constantly [when i mentioned it, she said she wasn't feeling well, and i wondered if she meant physically or emotionally, but i didn't ask, because why should she tell the truth to me?] and she never wore shorts again. and i kept having that pang of guilt within, whenever i saw her, because in some strange, strange way, she kept reminding me of the past. i saw my old self in her. and a little of my present. i saw myself in sec2, writing poetry during chinese, and cutting my legs behind closed doors. i saw myself in sec3, when vank spoke to me abt the scars she noticed, and i panicked and became defensive. the strain of living up to expectations, the way i went crazy and ran to the toilet to cut every time i did badly. i saw her badge, she's the vice chairperson. the same music tastes, everything. and something kept whispering in my ear that i ought to do something, say something, tell her she's not alone, just make a difference. but i didn't want to make things worse. and i left without doing anything. last night, as i picked up my bag and walked out, she looked me in the eye, smiled and said goodbye. so i just smiled back and said, cya. as if we'd meet again. hah. i just hope this whole guilt thing fades because i can't do anything now. one day she's gonna publish her poems and turn out okay. i hope. cos i really like her poetry. either that or she'll turn into another sylvia plath / screwed up poet.

wed to fri: nothing much. tried to keep from falling asleep in the daytime, couldn't sleep because of the heat at night. ate a lot. avoided cockroaches at night. played truth or dare etc etc. missed my friends like crazy. swore to study hard enough to get a scholarship everyday. sigh. nothing much. really, there was more, but i keep thinking about the above and what i should or could have done, so it blocks everything else out. i don't even know why i feel guilty. i'm not responsible for what others do. it's just that she keeps reminding me of myself.. i don't mean to flatter myself because she's very talented, but it's just that she really really does. too many things to name.

i'm crazy, aren't i?

four six day. going for the party later. =D hee. in my polkadots! woohoo! =D
it must've been love.
2:43 pm

xoxo

it's over;
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
July 2006
August 2006